


No more numbers

by UllaBritta



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Dark Thoughts, Kakashi's POV, M/M, mentioned gay relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 11:49:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15485097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UllaBritta/pseuds/UllaBritta
Summary: Kakashi and numbers, an unhealthy relationship.





	No more numbers

**Author's Note:**

> (Written 2012. This fic was posted before by me on FF and LJ. I'm moving all my fics to Ao3.)

1.

2.

4.

16.

29…

I lost count a long time ago. Actually, I stopped counting a long time ago. It's pointless to keep count of how many people have died by these two hands. Or at least, I try not to.

7 years old... was the first time I killed. I still remember the young man's face. He must have been about 10 years older than me. I thought nothing of it; I did it for the sake of the village and have continued to kill ever since. However, age got to me and the older I got, the harder it was for me not to think about it.

1000 jutsus, it's just a number. I already said I stopped counting but that is what they say about me. I never correct any assumptions people make concerning my past, experience and face. If it keeps them entertained then who am I to deny them?

0 is my favorite number. It is perfect with its oval shape and how it means both beginning and end. You can't divide with 0, a golden rule that always remains true. There is beauty in numbers - they are logical and consistent. Unlike life that is fickle and forges its own rules. I can rely on numbers to keep myself focused when everything and everyone else fails me.

4 hours of sleep is what I get the most on a regular day without missions. I hardly sleep and when I do it's by the grace of a sleeping pill that allows me to sleep dreamlessly throughout the night. It took me years to finally accept them and feel safe enough in my own home to drug myself with the risk of waking up with slower reflexes if someone intends to slit my throat.

286 is how many pages there are in Icha-Icha Paradise. I've read them all many times. The pages are worn and I know exactly on what page my favorite quote or situation can be found. My palm feels empty without the weight of the book in it and it helps me from stop thinking. And remembering. And counting.

7th Gening team and 3 annoying brats in it. It's been a while since I trained them. Now they are full grown shinobi and don't need me anymore. I won't deny the fact that I'm not the most social creature in the village so taking on a team had been a pain. I didn't like it one bit to be honest but orders were orders. Years later, I consider team 7 one of my biggest achievements, and biggest failures.

1 person has become very dear to me and the idea of losing him terrifies me beyond any words I might have. I've lost everything before and swore never to get attached to anything or anyone. It still is a wonder how he managed to get under my skin, that pesky school teacher... He prefers words, signs, from numbers. In that, and many other things, we are opposites. He never says "5 bodies", instead he uses phrases like "A group of deceased people." in our conversations. It makes things sound less harsh and I can live with that. It makes me forget numbers, no matter how much I like using them, despite the pain they cause me.

I also try not to count the years that have passed, I never celebrate my birthday. Doing that makes me wonder how many more years I have left, or those around me have. Death isn't anything I fear, it's always present if you are a shinobi and many times it is preferred than to be someone's hostage. But I'm not a fool and I'm not cold inside, no matter what air I might give off.

Iruka writes letters to me, small messages that he sticks between the pages of Icha-Icha for me to find. Short limericks, reminders, jokes or just the words 'Think of Me'. So I don't count. I focus then on those words, making people believe that I'm engrossed in the part drama, part erotica that is Icha-Icha. And it works. The way he scribbles his kana and kanji with rehearsed ease yet an energy that make them distinctly his, makes me focus on his words. And not the memories. Not the numbers.

No more numbers.


End file.
